I wrote this about 3 years ago, but never ‘published’ it. So it sat in the drafts folder of my old journal, waiting for the day I’ve come to accept myself for who I am.
I’ve just realized that I didn’t need to be cool.
Despite being 21 years, I don’t know what kind of person I am, that’s why I’m constantly changing in front of different people. I honestly don’t know what kind of a person I am, I have changed myself so much to fit different groups of people that I don’t know what I am anymore.
In secondary school, I am the girl who laughs loudly with SL, and the guys. The girl who doesn’t talk much in lessons. The girl who loves literature and words, and took the path that not many students took. The girl who speaks mandarin in school, even though she speaks english at home and have been doing so for 12 years of her life, because no one in school speaks english and she had to fit in. The self conscious girl who learned to laugh at herself and to accept that people can treat you good for no reason other than cause they like you. The girl who was awkward with people, who didn’t know how to make herself girly so boys will like her.
Then JC, the girl who felt she didn’t fit in. The girl who should really feel at home but isn’t. The girl who felt weird in her 3 month course, but was made to feel welcome. (by G. I still remember her, even though she might have forgotten). The girl who slowly opened up. The girl who found her bestest friends. The girl who for some strange reason, people liked despite her awkwardness, maybe because it was funny she was allergic to peanuts. The girl who didn’t have a problem with conversing in english, but didn’t like it that her classmates acted like mandarin was a disease. The girl who was proud she is effectively bilingual, but still conformed. The girl who loved sports but didn’t like competition.
Now, the girl who still doesn’t know who she is really. Who still doesn’t know where she is going, what she is going to do. The girl who envies others who knew what their future is going to be like. The girl who desperately needs someone to lean on but she won’t show it because she just isn’t that kind of person. The girl who thought she lost all her friends, when it turns out they thought she’d dropped them. The girl who doesn’t ask people out cause she’s afraid they will think she’s boring. The girl who ran away everytime someone tries to get close.
The girl people think is aloof, but later told her she is frankly, ‘crazy’.
Maybe this is the real her.