The real me

I wrote this about 3 years ago, but never ‘published’ it. So it sat in the drafts folder of my old journal, waiting for the day I’ve come to accept myself for who I am.

I’ve just realized that I didn’t need to be cool.

==
Despite being 21 years, I don’t know what kind of person I am, that’s why I’m constantly changing in front of different people. I honestly don’t know what kind of a person I am, I have changed myself so much to fit different groups of people that I don’t know what I am anymore.

In secondary school, I am the girl who laughs loudly with SL, and the guys. The girl who doesn’t talk much in lessons. The girl who loves literature and words, and took the path that not many students took. The girl who speaks mandarin in school, even though she speaks english at home and have been doing so for 12 years of her life, because no one in school speaks english and she had to fit in. The self conscious girl who learned to laugh at herself and to accept that people can treat you good for no reason other than cause they like you. The girl who was awkward with people, who didn’t know how to make herself girly so boys will like her.

Then JC, the girl who felt she didn’t fit in. The girl who should really feel at home but isn’t. The girl who felt weird in her 3 month course, but was made to feel welcome. (by G. I still remember her, even though she might have forgotten). The girl who slowly opened up. The girl who found her bestest friends. The girl who for some strange reason, people liked despite her awkwardness, maybe because it was funny she was allergic to peanuts. The girl who didn’t have a problem with conversing in english, but didn’t like it that her classmates acted like mandarin was a disease. The girl who was proud she is effectively bilingual, but still conformed. The girl who loved sports but didn’t like competition.

Now, the girl who still doesn’t know who she is really. Who still doesn’t know where she is going, what she is going to do. The girl who envies others who knew what their future is going to be like. The girl who desperately needs someone to lean on but she won’t show it because she just isn’t that kind of person. The girl who thought she lost all her friends, when it turns out they thought she’d dropped them. The girl who doesn’t ask people out cause she’s afraid they will think she’s boring. The girl who ran away everytime someone tries to get close.

The girl people think is aloof, but later told her she is frankly, ‘crazy’.

Maybe this is the real her.

==

This is the first time I’ve ever felt so freaked out over … well I don’t really know what that’s about. One moment I was reading The Time Traveller’s Wife, and the next, I’m freaking out because CJ is not answering the phone. He will be travelling tomorrow (just to Malaysia, but still) and I’m suddenly really afraid and clingy.

There, I’ve said it. I’m clingy.

Detest

I never thought I’d say this, but I really really hate you and the false front you put up all the time.

Something new

I hate it when this things like this happen, and I am concerned.

I hate it that I care enough to make a stand about it.

I hate it that my parents are so easily influenced.

I hate it that everything might get out of hand, and I might have to come in and clear the shit.

I hate it that I was the one who objected in the first place.

I hate it that I care.

I wish I didn’t.

Running

I suddenly feel very tired and I just want to run away from it all.

Precious

When I was younger (not THAT long ago, although it does feel like a lifetime away), I was obsessed about documenting every single thing that happened in my life. My diaries, and later on, online journal, was filled to the brim with detailed description of what happened that day. Things like

“A really cute guy asked me for directions to Hilton Hotel today. I didn’t know, so I tried ways and means to lengthen that conversation. ‘Sorry, I don’t know’ because ‘Hmmm… let me seee…’. He was really cute and he talked to me!”

I was obsessed about remembering. That was the only way I knew to find meaning in my life.

When I feel lonely or upset, I will go back to my blog and read about happier moments. I was never really an extrovert. When something upsets me, I don’t talk about it with friends.  It was never my ’style’ to let anybody, not even best friends, know that I could be hurt. Someone once told me that they thought I was strong. I’m not. I’m just a normal girl.

My thought was – If I can read about happier times, and remember them, maybe they will happen again. Things will become better again.

Random conversation

fort_christine: OMG!!!
fort_christine: YOU ARE ONLINE!!!
fort_christine: Can you see this
cj thong:
cj thong: checknmg email
fort_christine: miracle
cj thong: hello babyphoto
fort_christine: hello thongipher
cj thong: how’s my darling wife?
cj thong: wah she pauses
fort_christine: talking to alex
cj thong: unaccustomed and uncomfortable with this greeting
cj thong: very well!
fort_christine: wife
cj thong: i shall no call you that!
cj thong: since you dont like it
fort_christine: i like!!
fort_christine: please continue to call me that!!
cj thong: how’s my darling woman-meat?
fort_christine: eeyer
cj thong: hehehehehe
cj thong: kk im gonna change n go out – hungry
fort_christine: ok, can i see you later?
cj thong: of course!
fort_christine: ok
cj thong: all you have to do is snap your fngers
cj thong: and i always come running
fort_christine: you better
fort_christine:
cj thong:   /fear
cj thong:   /scared
fort_christine: no no… i should say ‘really? you will always come running?’
cj thong: girl…
cj thong: you
cj thong: know
cj thong: it’s
cj thong: …..
cj thong: troo
fort_christine: huh
fort_christine: troo
fort_christine: ok then
fort_christine: i love you!!!!!!!
cj thong: i love you babyphoto!
cj thong: gonna afk now
cj thong: brush teeth n all
fort_christine: ok see you later, alligator
cj thong: see you darling

A couple of nerds

Me “Do you want some of these? I got them from Gloria Jean” *offers him candy

CJ *pauses* “No”

Me “You sure?”

CJ “Yeah. I used to like these sweets.”

Me “Used to?”

CJ “Yes, until once when I ate 30 to 40 at one go and fell sick.”

Me “What?! Why would you eat so much at a go?”

CJ “I just did, I ate 40 of them all at once and got sick.”

Me “Gosh! But I did eat a whole pack of tic tacs at a go, so I can understand.”

===

5 minutes later-

Me*pointing at condom ad a Lucky Plaza* “Ha! Give her a rocket to ectasy. So corny!”

CJ “Haha.” *pauses

CJ “Have you heard of this new condom? After you use it you can roll it up and smoke it. Like a cigarette.”

Me “Huh, why would you want to do that?!”

CJ “Don’t know”

Me “And who would smoke it?? The girl? Or the guy? Cause the guy is the one who traditionally smokes after sex. But isn’t it quite gross.”

CJ *pauses* “I don’t know, but I have one upstairs at home.”

Me “Huh?? Are you trying to tell me you feel like smoking?”

CJ “No la.”

*quiet*

CJ “You know, the candies, I still like it actually.”

Me “Is it? Well….”

CJ *stops aruptly and stares at me*

CJ *in a robotic voice and phony american accent “Girl, you know it’s true.”

At this point, we both burst out laughing like a couple of maniacs in the middle of the street.

Me “Was this what you were trying to do all this time?!!”

CJ “Of course! Who eats 30 to 40 rock candies at a go?! And the condom that rolls into a cigarette… what is more ridiculous?! And telling you I have one at home??”

Me “How would I know? You looked so serious!”

CJ “I was trying to steer you to say ‘really?’, but you just kept talking about something else, not picking up on my ridiculous scenarios.”

Me “Sorry la, haha but it was quite funny.”

===

If you guys don’t know what we were talking about – watch the first 10-20 seconds of this music video from Milli Vanilli. Some of the worst ‘acting’ and voice overs in a video ever!

When he first showed it to me, I laughed like crazy over that, and rewound it about 10 times just to laugh some more. And he was trying to ‘recreate’ the scenario in real life just to make me laugh.

Planning

A lot of words, put into action.
It’s a lot of stress, I’m sure.

But I can’t wait.

I can’t wait.

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